Jetlag- 5 days too late

Unbeliveable..I was so tired last night but I was still sleepless until around 7 o clock this morning..tossing and turning in my bed. Soo annoying..logged in to facebook about a trillion times..nothing new. Emailed like 15 people randomly because I suddenly had all the energy. Then I even called Monia on her cell to get all the latest gossip from New York..

Turns out she's run into 2 of my exes/boys while ive been gone. Mr. Ambitious once (they work in the same field so I guess it was only a matter of time) and mr. Model out at a club. I dont really care so much about it..its just that it kind of reinforces my idea of how everything goes on without me. Why wouldnt it? I dont know? I just have a feeling that I'm missing my life! Hahah..psycho. I cant even enjoy a vacation? the good thing is at least they are reminded of me when they see her right???

I guess its back out in the sun now...heres a little pic I took of myself tanning yesterday...i know- im a looser..but what else is there to do when youve finished your book, listened to every song on your ipod and read the few magazines you have 5 times over..thats right..you take picyures of yourself.

Marbella baby!

So its been a few days since I last wrote..I am in Marbella, Spain at the moment. My family has a house here so we go here a few times a year..or I used to..they still do..but since I moved to New York I cant really go as often as when I used to live in Europe myself.
Its lovely being here ..seeing my family who I havent seen in a long time..my mom had her 50th birthday party yesterday and it was so much fun..my sister, my brother and I held a speach that went really well so I'm happy about that. Her are some pictures from last nights party.. the first one is me and my brother dancing, the second on is me my mom and my brother and the last one is me with my brothers girlfriend Alice!








Other than that I have been out living it up at the nightclubs here..I used to live here when I was younger so I still have friends here..so it's fuuun.

I feel very disconnected though..my phone for some reason doesnt work here and it makes me a bit nervous. I dont really know why..its not like I cant get in touch with people in other ways..or well I can get in touch with everyone and anyone except Mr. Big actually. We only keep in touch through texts and phonecalls so thats weird for me now. But whatever...
It's also weird becasue being away from New York kind of gives me a little bit of a perspective on what has been going down in my life over there lately...I dont think I'll change anything when I get back but I have defintely come to a few conclusions that I might not have come to otherwise..When youre in the bubble you start thinking that is so natural and normal but looking at it now I do think the way Ive been living is a bit crazy..Fun..but very untraditional and crazy in a lot of ways. As long as its not hurting anyone I guess its ok..and I dont think that there are that many feelings involved in it right now...its pure fun.I do worry though that Mr. Big will get to me. Mr Model I am not so worried about..I like him lots and always have but there are no hopes or pretentions there..Mr. Big though I dont know..I am scared I'll develop feelings for him again because essentially what we have now is not what I ever really wanted..I mean its fun but for some reason it kind of strikes me that its more what he wants than me..but as long as its fun why care..I'm just a little worried...aaaah whatever..now Im going to back out to the sun! Just thought I'd give you guys a little update!

xoxo

My sister, my mom and me!


Me and my nephew Willem (my sisters son)..isnt he cuuute? :)

Letting go

This is such an amazing time of my life. I've let go of all right and wrong..let go of all what ifs. Ive let go of caring. I'm just having fun really really living it up.

The last few days have been so intense and great. I'm just so detached emotionally that its only fun. I know Im leaving. Everybody around me knows that too..it has made me take risks and care less about long term perceptions which I usually do..maybe Im easier to be around too cause it all seems so easy lately. All I know is Ive thrown all worries and rules out the door. It's all about your own point of view. Had it been a year ago even a few months ago I might have been offended b some things that I have now jumped at and got excited about. Its not because I have less pride but just more of a sense of self, I know who I am and who I'm not and thats all that matters to me right now.. I mean..I see it differently now and its a much easier way of living. I dont know if I makemuch sense and I dont know how much sense i want to make.

Im taking opportunities as they come and I love my life.

My new obsession (yes I have a few)

Love love love this song..Can't stop listening to it...and Agyness rocks..


ps. again if you want to listen to it just scroll down and press pause on that radio thing at the end of this page!

Just a few pics from friday night...

Just because I actually brought my camera for once.. :) I'm going to try to remeber to bring it ore often..its always fun to have pics...


Being silly in the cab..




Me and the lovely Monia

Beautiful Grete

Lunching..

Just came back from a lunch with an old friend from High school. We havent kept in touch at all but I always liked her for being a fun outgoing girl. She has been living in London for the last 4-5 years and just graduated from university and took a trip to new York for fun..I love how people always travel through New York and call me up even if we haven't met in years. It's a great attitude..because why not? You used to have fun, it might just be fun to meet again and catch up. Then again this catching up thing kind of depends on who it is too. Sometimes it really sucks when some random looser from whenever calls you up to tell you theyre coming into town..."oh really, yeah of course we have to go for drinks" and then youve ruined a night because why the hell would you want to spend time with THAT person who was never even that much fun to begin with. Sometimes its really surprisig to see who actually calls you when theyre here..and sometimes its even more interesting to find out who DOESN'T .(my ex was in town recently and defintely didn't call me up. thanks for that..but I get it...sort of - dumbass..hhaha).
However..I think that's something I have learnt from living in this city of constant opportunities that you never really loose that much by meeting up with those long lost friends or that person that keeps bugging you to come out for a drink. You might just renew an old friendship, find a new friendship, a good contact or in worst case have a bit of a boring night/day. And who has ever died from that? I think it's just mportant to try to be open to people..in the long run it can really only benefit you, even if its just a funny story at the end of the day.

Leaving New York

So yes..I am leaving my beloved New York city PK :) I saw your comment and yeah..its true..im leaving but hopefully that wont kill this blog.

I accepted a job offer in the cayman islands and will be moving out there in september...but i'll most likely be travelling to new york once in a while to live it up here w my girls (and boys!). New York is such an amazing city but I think I need to take a new direction now. I promise It'll be fun to follow me start up a new life over there and New York will always be in my heart.

Its a complete change from what I thought I'd be doing but I am actually really excited and happy about this choice. But for now I am living la vida loca in New York and I love it!

Insanity

So this weekend has been crazy..As you could see from one of my posts below I was somewhat desperate for my Mr. Big to give me more attention. It was becoming a stupid obsession so on Friday during the roomie dinner I decided that I needed a distraction..Yes, I decided to contact Mr. Model. Mind you I haven't seen this guy in months and months but if there is someone whos made me feel strongly in the past its been him, so I decided that he could probably cure me (aka take my mind of Mr. Big).

So I sent him an innocent text and all of a sudden the ball was rolling again..next thing I knew i was wrapped up in his arms at a nightclub downtown and what happened after that..well Im sure its not that hard to figure out. The day after we spoke on the phone a few times and decided to meet up again to reprise the night before..and it was great..meanwhile Mr. Big was coming closer to town and was asking me to come out the hamptons with him..but suddenly i didnt fel as depserate for him. Seeing Mr. Model was just a great idea. i mean..you can call me mean and a user or whatever but id like to think that its pretty reciprocated..I mean mr model has played me in the past for sure..mr big is playing me now..why not just play that game back? So now theyre both in my life. I like them both...so it feels good.

Mr Timberlake can jump out the window..couldnt care less..and Mr Ambitious..im afraid Im not the least interested anymore..we used to have such a cute little thing going on for months..but it was all ruined and I cant seem to find that passion at all..dont even know if it was ever there..he was such a great guy but for some reason that doesnt seem to do it for me these days...

God help me...

Im so fucking dramatic about everyhting...hahah...cant just let it be..oh well. I cant help it. Was just talking to a friend who was obsessing over her lovelife and this new guy she had met and it was just interesting to hear because its all the same. in the end were all afraid of being vulnerable and liking someone too much..when you start liking someone you loose control and its hard...i guess its something we all have to go thorugh one way or another.


Just got back from the gym and I feel great...about to go to sleep and I am looking forward to waking up to a friday morning..which means the weekend is almost here. Having a roomie dinner tomorrow night in the lower east. Looking forward!

Confessions of a drama queen..

Now that Pandoras box is open I feel like pouring out everything into this blog...probably not the best idea I've ever had..but it's just so much going on right now. I am trying to really live it up these last months in New York..I am trying to live the dream..do everything i want to do...see anyone i want to see...dance date flirt..have fun. I don't care anymore. Or at least I don't want to care..but there are times like tonight when it all just falls down and I start thinking.
I want to care about the best guy that has happened to me in forever...let's call him Mr. ambitious. Hes cute hes sweet hes a complete gentleman but for right now he is way too serious for his own good..and he doesnt make me laugh...then theres Mr. Timberlake dancing king and charming as hell but I just don't see the point in starting something now...then theres the ever present Mr. Big who drives me nuts. What is a girl to do....theyre all in my head. Mr Big has left for a while dont know when i'll see him again which is proably for the better...Mr. Ambitious to my big surprise seems to have had enough of me and my cold craziness..and Mr. Timberlake is calling and calling. This is New York for you...unless youre stupid its easy to live triple lives. Its easy to be in different circles and have it all at once..but it might backlash on you.

IF YOU WRITE IT ALL IN A BLOG.

On a completely different note..

I saw Chelsea Clinton the other day..she was working out like a maniac. I was at this private rooftop with some friends over the weekend.. there was a gym with glasswalls where she was going at it. She was almost inrecogniceable I thought..she looked a lot younger and smaller and skinnier than i had thought..my friend had to point her out discretely and I had to take a long candid look and then i saw it...I have to give her some credit for working out like a maniac on a sunday when the weather was about 100 degrees. That family doesnt seem to let a lot of stuff stop them.

Im actually a bit sad that Hillary dropped out..I liked her a lot...but Im sure Obama will grow on me too.

An open letter for my own mr. big:

(I shouldnt be putting this up and out but something made me want to. I wrote this for myself one night but I just felt compelled to put it up. It's way too personal for my comfortlevel..but I want to shout this out..and who knows if it helps someone like my mr. model shout out a few months back..this is for another person whos been in my life in and out lately and its come to a point where I dont know what im doing anymore)

Dear Mr...........

How are you. I would hope you are well. Im sure you are. Im sure you are pretty content with yourself. You see, you seem like the kind. Don’t ask me why im writng you this letter. Its for you, but not for you to ever read. I think.

I like you. I like you a little too much to be safe. It scares me a little bit that I have managed to develop strong feelings like these for someone I hardly know..you see, I think I know you. I know I don’t, but I think about you, and talk about you so often that it becomes bigger deal for me. Im not crazy. But I need to get it off my chest. I need to get over this. I don’t want to say you. Because the person I think you are is probably not you. I don’t really know you.

You make me feel so much. More than anyone has made me feel in a long time. You've made me feel euphoric, wanted, sexy. Youve made me happy at times. But lately I get angry, I get hung up, I get upset, I get sad, I get affected by you. You hardly know me..i hardly know you..yet you’ve brought so much to my life over these last few months. Thoughts of you have occupied my mind. You havent even been here, still you’ve been on my mind. Almost every day. I dream of you, I think of you.my friends tell me I obsess over you. And I do. I know I do.

I forget about you sometimes. I do. I swear.sometimes I think im over you. Until my phone beeps and I see your name on that screen and I light up.I read into every little word you say and write in your uncountable texts…I hate how excited I get when your name is up on my phone screen. I hate how exstatic it makes me when you give me a sign you care. Every time I see you, you manage to make me feel like Im the only person who exists for you. And I try to hold on to that..but it is hard when I know so well that I am not. I know youd probably prefer her. And I don't know why I'm still there..I have never behaved like that before. What is it that youve done to me?

Ive learnt that I will almost never see you.and that’s become ok..ive learnt that when you are here you are busy and its on your terms, ive learnt that you will never see me unless I come to you, ive learnt that there are other girls..and still I hang on to you like a magnet. I hang on to those sweet words you whisper sometimes..i hold onto the sexy texts, I hold onto dreams of what we could do what we could be.
I hold onto the image I have of you in my head. I hold n to what I wish you were but never will be.

Im sure you have no idea. Im pretty sure you think I don’t care much at all. Im sure you have an image in your head of me. And im sure its less glamorous than the one I have of you.(i wish it wasn’t). I wish youd obsess about me and dammit I wish you wanted me more. I wish you wanted to see me for me. I wish you could fall for my personality. I wish you could feel that same strange attraction I am feeling. I wish you could just fall headlessly. So I could get a feeling of superiority and thus feel better and who knows..probably get over you immediately.

Maybe you feel it sometimes. Maybe you really do think about me..but how would I know.and how would you ever know how i feel when our communication is so bad. All I want is to win with you. I want to win the fight..but it seems impossible. To win is to care less. and I am the looser.

You don't know how broken down I have been...how beaten up and how let down i have felt. I thought I had adapted to the thought of this/”us” being nothing but just knowing about her (which I know you don’t know that I do) makes me want to kick and scream. Bcause im powerless. All I can do is adapt to what I can get from you. Which is close to nothing….and the more I think of it the more unspectacular it makes me feel.

And then the phone beeps..its you, and only a few words. Words that lack any meaning..words that could be nothing..but to me they mean the world and I hang on to them for the rest of the night..and I text you back nonchalantly..pretending I don’t care at all.

The next time you text..id like to ask you what have you ever done for me? Because the truth is nothing..youve never ever made an effort for me. I guess you could argue the same for me..but I have tried at least..even if its been vague. I just really really really don’t want to get hurt..and im afraid im setting myself up for it every time I let you back in. I wish I could let you go. I wish I could just not answer your next text..but I fucking know i will. I will not stop hoping even though i know. I fucking know that there will never ever be a future..never anything else. Youve put some weird spell on me and I cant help myself.I know I should but I know I wont let it go. not yet. The closest I can come to describing it is lovestoned. im lovestoned and Im afraid you have no idea.

Times are changing

Got a very interesting call about an open position in the Cayman Islands yesterday by the way..it kind of changed a lot..I thought i had it all figured out and now I dont know anymore!we'll see. I like how open my life is right now actually!

I am:

hungover and tired...






but most of all I'm lovestoned.


hahaha

Sleepless...

Have had a horrible night. I have no idea of why but I have woken up
like 6-7 times in panic. Really annoying and weird. Whenever I went
back to sleep I dreamt that about work and everything I have to do...I
was running around with a thousand different things to do and people
asking me questions I couldnt answer. I am soo tired now..I feel like
I haven't slept at all...

Sent from my iPhone

Busy busy week and a little too much information...

This week has gone by sooo fast! Thursday already!
Work has been so busy but it has actually been kind of fun..cause its been slow for a pretty long time..

Lots of things have been happening in my lovelife..it seems kind of upsidedown..but hey what can I expect when I'm leaving soon. I really just think I'm going to live it up these last weeks in my beloved New York. There are so many fun things, so many interesting people and really it's probably better not to get too involved in anything for my own good. there we go. Way too much information...enjoy. :)

I saw the hottest guy like EVER to be seen in New York yesterday. I got so excited that i had to call my friend from the elliptical. hahaha..hey..its not like they grow on trees in this town. Nice to see that they exist. Sometimes I really wonder...

At least the view was nice!

No offense...

But we should have known by just looking at the people on the boat
what we were getting ourselves in to!

Lazy Sunday...

Yeah I know this update is a day too late but I thought I should tell
you about my fabulous Sunday.

Met up w monia and went to central park..the park was way too hot so
we decided to try a beach we had heard of in queens. We met up with my
other friend Mim and walked down to the harbour and caught a little
water taxi full of ecpectations... Here is a pic of me and monia
waiting for the boat.