An open letter for my own mr. big:

(I shouldnt be putting this up and out but something made me want to. I wrote this for myself one night but I just felt compelled to put it up. It's way too personal for my comfortlevel..but I want to shout this out..and who knows if it helps someone like my mr. model shout out a few months back..this is for another person whos been in my life in and out lately and its come to a point where I dont know what im doing anymore)

Dear Mr...........

How are you. I would hope you are well. Im sure you are. Im sure you are pretty content with yourself. You see, you seem like the kind. Don’t ask me why im writng you this letter. Its for you, but not for you to ever read. I think.

I like you. I like you a little too much to be safe. It scares me a little bit that I have managed to develop strong feelings like these for someone I hardly know..you see, I think I know you. I know I don’t, but I think about you, and talk about you so often that it becomes bigger deal for me. Im not crazy. But I need to get it off my chest. I need to get over this. I don’t want to say you. Because the person I think you are is probably not you. I don’t really know you.

You make me feel so much. More than anyone has made me feel in a long time. You've made me feel euphoric, wanted, sexy. Youve made me happy at times. But lately I get angry, I get hung up, I get upset, I get sad, I get affected by you. You hardly know me..i hardly know you..yet you’ve brought so much to my life over these last few months. Thoughts of you have occupied my mind. You havent even been here, still you’ve been on my mind. Almost every day. I dream of you, I think of you.my friends tell me I obsess over you. And I do. I know I do.

I forget about you sometimes. I do. I swear.sometimes I think im over you. Until my phone beeps and I see your name on that screen and I light up.I read into every little word you say and write in your uncountable texts…I hate how excited I get when your name is up on my phone screen. I hate how exstatic it makes me when you give me a sign you care. Every time I see you, you manage to make me feel like Im the only person who exists for you. And I try to hold on to that..but it is hard when I know so well that I am not. I know youd probably prefer her. And I don't know why I'm still there..I have never behaved like that before. What is it that youve done to me?

Ive learnt that I will almost never see you.and that’s become ok..ive learnt that when you are here you are busy and its on your terms, ive learnt that you will never see me unless I come to you, ive learnt that there are other girls..and still I hang on to you like a magnet. I hang on to those sweet words you whisper sometimes..i hold onto the sexy texts, I hold onto dreams of what we could do what we could be.
I hold onto the image I have of you in my head. I hold n to what I wish you were but never will be.

Im sure you have no idea. Im pretty sure you think I don’t care much at all. Im sure you have an image in your head of me. And im sure its less glamorous than the one I have of you.(i wish it wasn’t). I wish youd obsess about me and dammit I wish you wanted me more. I wish you wanted to see me for me. I wish you could fall for my personality. I wish you could feel that same strange attraction I am feeling. I wish you could just fall headlessly. So I could get a feeling of superiority and thus feel better and who knows..probably get over you immediately.

Maybe you feel it sometimes. Maybe you really do think about me..but how would I know.and how would you ever know how i feel when our communication is so bad. All I want is to win with you. I want to win the fight..but it seems impossible. To win is to care less. and I am the looser.

You don't know how broken down I have been...how beaten up and how let down i have felt. I thought I had adapted to the thought of this/”us” being nothing but just knowing about her (which I know you don’t know that I do) makes me want to kick and scream. Bcause im powerless. All I can do is adapt to what I can get from you. Which is close to nothing….and the more I think of it the more unspectacular it makes me feel.

And then the phone beeps..its you, and only a few words. Words that lack any meaning..words that could be nothing..but to me they mean the world and I hang on to them for the rest of the night..and I text you back nonchalantly..pretending I don’t care at all.

The next time you text..id like to ask you what have you ever done for me? Because the truth is nothing..youve never ever made an effort for me. I guess you could argue the same for me..but I have tried at least..even if its been vague. I just really really really don’t want to get hurt..and im afraid im setting myself up for it every time I let you back in. I wish I could let you go. I wish I could just not answer your next text..but I fucking know i will. I will not stop hoping even though i know. I fucking know that there will never ever be a future..never anything else. Youve put some weird spell on me and I cant help myself.I know I should but I know I wont let it go. not yet. The closest I can come to describing it is lovestoned. im lovestoned and Im afraid you have no idea.