What nurtures me destroys me

Never ever has this quote meant as much to me..in the light of what happened to Michael Jackson this famous wide spread quote took on a new meaning to me and once I finally could start to understand it and actually really really get it..it meant so much to me as a person as well.
What I love is essentially what is destroying me. But it keeps me alive...I couldnt live without certain things..but it's also destroying my very being at the same time.
No I'm absolutely not talking about drugs..I am talking about relationships, cities, people..things that you cant live without even though you know deep inside that it's no good for you...but wwithout it your life would be empty..
So Angelina..I finally get your tattoo an for a split second I almost wanted one for myself...but naaah tattoos arent for me.

I tried to explain my thoughts to a friend tonight..and more often than not I find myself a bit too deep for most of my firends..love them to death but my deepest thoughts bore most people to death. Its okay...I'll just write it here ;)

Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

Time to drink

Going over to a friends place for dinner and drinks...then out out out!

MJ Quotes...

“And my goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance.”

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

- Michael Jackson

Good morning!

Another rainy day in the big apple..I cannot believe the weather..It's seriously been raining almost everday for about a month!

I can't stop watching the tributes to Michael Jackson..All night last night and all morning I have been absorbing myself in his extreme life..I can't believe he's dead but in retrospect its as if we should have known..so much pressure with legal battles, debt, haters, health and mental problems.. but still there was sooo much love for him. I think he might have been one of the most loved artists of our time...yet he was so troubled, so sweet and somehow so misunderstood...his fame destroyed him but also built him up.



I think that "what nurtures me destroys me" is so correct when it comes to his life...he fed upon the love from his fans, the fame the attention the money the god like status he achieved..but it all also destroyed him..all the love in the world couldnt erase the mean words, he felt pressure to undergo so many procedures to look different, and still he was constantly ridiculed..I saw an interview with him where he was talking about his life being like a prison because he couldnt do anything and I bet that must have been aweful..but then again he knew nothing else..and at the end of the day he wanted that fame..just lookign at the way he behaved around the cameras..oh crazy crazy...whatever some people say, his life was lived in an extremely extraordinary way and there is no one like him and I doubt we'll ever see someone like him again...

R.I.P Michael Jackson....

I cant believe that Michael jackson died today..he was a true legend and one of a kind..I'm so taken by the news that I have stayed home o watch the tribute tv specials tonight...
I think he was a highly misunderstood man under a ton of pressure and stress we probably cant even imagine...He grew up a a star... was always followed worshipped and also criticized greatly..I cant imagine it being easy to live like he had to live his life and having people trying to take advantage of you constantly..I just hope that the media will respect his wish to keep his children away from the media completely. He went to such great measure to keep them away from the paparazzi and give them a real childhood.

Rest in peace Michael..You were a musical genius and the world will always remember you as the king of pop with a heart of gold...

Today is whatever I want it to mean!

I just love mornings like this! I woke up and I'm extremeley hungover and tired but for some reason I'm really happy and energic! I love my life I love my friends..I love New York! I know I'm schizo But that's how I feel this morning!

OOOh and I'm freeeeee from school for a week! It's lovely!

This is one of my all time favourite happy songs!

Is this true?

I tend to want what I don't think I can have. ALWAYS. This is my problem and I just got the biggest urge to research it. Some wise person had this theory:

That which you cannot control, controls you. The human mind seeks power and control. If you don't have the power or control over an object the mind relates to that object/person as a superior being, putting this person/object onto a pedestal. Lust therefore comes as a result of this pedestal system which your mind has created. However all minds work alike, it is natural survival instinct

Putting myself out there...

I have a date with a new guy this week. Let's hope it's better than the guy who took me to see Terminator last week..hahaah..(and let's hope this one can make me forget aaaallll about Mr Workaholic...)

A new philosophy maybe ;)

A girl I know updated her facebook status today saying:

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past... stop planning the future... stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel... stop deciding with our minds, what we want our hearts to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with - Whatever happens, happens!

I think that needs to be my new motto..

Finals..

Have to study have to study have to study..I hate accounting..But it needs to be done!!! :(

Ex files

Only one person has made me feel this way. And he will never even be mentioned on this blog.Why? he's too important. I don't know. He's not part of my life anymore? I don't know. he doesn't belong here? Its been years and years bt he's the only one still...were very different now and he doesnt matter but he'll always have a significant part of my nostalgic heart.

"If I had my way..I'd never get over you..." :) I remember that summer..Oh my god...Well! I'm writing this with a smile. It's just a memory now.



"And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me til my dying day..."

Nostalgia

Isn't it strange how a sound or a song or a scent can bring you back years? I just turned my old broken iphone on (to try to synch my notes) and it made that old familiar text message sound somehow and I just froze. It took me back to almost exactly a year back when I used to get sooo excited by that sound. It took me back to the butterflies and the excitement of texting with Mr. Big. Wow..It's strange isn't it? I don't know...memories just crashed onto me and I was amazed by how powerful a sound could be. I suddenly remembered everything crystal clear for a second. if only he knew what an impression he left on me..I still cant quite explain it.



Had a final exam in business law today..i think it went well..Only accounting left now..I'm not too excited about that one...but once that one is done I'm free! At least for like 10 days :)

Sunday funday

I had a wonderful sunday catching up with an old friend who came into town after 2 years absense. Brunch at Blue Ribbon and just talking about good old times..It's amazing how many people come and go in New York..It's a little bit sad to think of all the amazing people you used have in your circle of friends..so so so many have left and moved on to new countires and cities and destinies...but that's part of life isn't it?
(a picture from times looong gone now)

I also met up with my good old bestie in the city and her boyfriend..hahah it's weird how much time I spend with the two of them..but they're a cool couple- Not one of those boring ones who like to stay in and just be with eachother..they're just fun and outgoing and I never feel like the third wheel or feel like her boyfriend should leave. Just a cool combination of people I guess. :) We walked around downtown and talked about midsummer memories (whoaaaa was I drunk!) and I made a point to try to make him explain mr workaholics behaviours..at this point its all just theories..i guess im actually going to have to ask him myself where we stand next time i see him...I don't even know how much I care anymore..at this point its become more about ego. then we decided to go for dinner at a malaysian place called Fat Crab..it was really good!

Sick and tired

A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there come a day
I'd set you free
'Cause I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired

Fuck you very much!

I hate the hangover days. Today has been aboslutely horrible...alcohol always makes everything feel much worse than it is the day after. Ugh!

Sometimes I really wonder if I made the right decision in coming back? I love New York but its also such a straining city in so many ways and there is a certain mentality that you cant get away from thats no good here. the elitism the hierarchies the cynical bitternss that everybody kind of drags along with them..hate that shit..but im so wrapped up and dragged in to it still.

I need to find myself a new boy to date. Or preferably 5 new ones to keep me busy! I am sooo over Mr Workaholic today..all he does lately is disappoint me...I have no more patience for him and his social incapabilities. He is either a big liar or a seeeerious workaholic..or...he's just not that into me. It's really awful to like someone and not feel that its reciprocated. It's not often that I am put in this situation and frankly I'm not sure how to deal with his constant excuses and shortcomings. i guess I should walk away but its so hard. I don't know why I keep hoping things will change. I wish I wouldn't care! how do you get someone out of your head? If I knew I wouldn't have to blog about all of my frustrations :)

Mornin...

whoa..hungover...but had a great night..!

Weeeeh!

I'm on top of the world today. And I feel that I deserve it. It's JUNE and its been rainy and cold for about a month in New York..but hey..what doesnt kill you makes you stronger..haha..good thing I got my sun fix from my months on Cayman :)

I have no particular reason for feeling this way today.. I guess I just feel more in control than before and thats a pretty good feeling. More in control of my feelings, more in control of what is going on around me. I feel more in control of Mr Workaholic because I feel that I left a bit of hope behind yesterday..and frankly it's so nice sometimes to just let go all expectations and hopes and just live in the moment. It is what it is. I think girls (or at least the girls I know) in general do that a lot more often than guys..we start making up stories in our heads, we make up futures and make boys we hardly even know (sometimes) into something they are not...and that's got to stop for my part. Another very small victory I guess is that after about 6 months Mr Ambitious might have let go of a little bit of anger surrounding me...I don't know..it's just a feeling form a very very small gesture and I just felt that it felt good...he was nothing but good to me and honestly I didnt't deserve him at the time..I wasn't very nice to him at all..in all seriousness we werent meant for eachother at all and that happens obviously..you start seeing someone that youre nothing like..but you learn form your mistakes.. But that's a whole different story.


Anywhoo...I feel good and I can't wait for tomorrow! Midsummer!!!

Waiting...

Whoaaa I'm so hungry..Its 11.30 and I still havent had breakfast... but I dont want to leave my apartment in case the messenger comes and I miss my present!!! the curse of living in a "non - door man building" :)

Mmmmm....I want cake...swedish muddy chocolate cake...but that I don't have..In fact my refrigerator is abolutely empty...


Hmm...Tea. Yes tea will have to do!

Slowly ain't my kind of game...

Pick up the pace and step on it, rip up the place if you want it.
Work, work you know you gotta work, work.
I got the goods and i want you, put your boots on baby get to:Work,
work, you know you gotta work, work.

I tend to get what i want, are you starting to see, to see.
I think you do, i think you do.
It's time for you to step up if you want to be with me, with me.
I think you do, i think you do.
But don't go slow, that is not the way we play, slowly aint my kinda game.
Ready, set, go!

For you girls...

Empowering song for the ladies...

'Cus I'm ready for the big jump,
Keep up with me,
If you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow,
I only go up, up.
I'm ready to be in control and the ground isn't good enough for me,
I know where to find what I want and I'm gonna keep on,
Keep on, up, up

No turns now,
We're going straight,
You better hold on tight,
'Cus if you fall you're on your own,
'Cus I'm gonna go on,
No, no, no turns now.

Actions speak louder than words...

I had enough last night and it strangely freeing to just feel okay with it. I'm detaching myself now. Some things have gotten easier wth him but all in all I just dont think that there's enough of an effort there...on the other hand I'm getting a little gift from him today..thats nice..but it's not enough....i just think that actions speak louder than words.

But I'm at home waiting for it now..getting kind of bored..but at least i'm feeling fine..compared to a few days ago...

Tomorrow is swedish midsummer..!!! Should be fun!

Insomnia

I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night I had so many thoughts in my head that I decided that I just couldn't study so i thought the best thing would be to just go to bed and get up really early to study for my exam instead...guess what ended up happening? I never fell alseep and just lied there in bed for like 6 hours with all these annoying thoughts in my head until my alarm rang. strange.. I don't remember the last time that happened. I just never went to sleep and now I will have to deal with that today... I think I will have to try to go home after school today and just sleep for a bit.



But if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God passed a mic to me to speak
I'd say stay in bed, world
Sleep in peace

The ones you want the least always want you the most...

In a desperate attempt to get over mr workaholic I went on a date last sunday and it was a disaster...i mean I had no expectations whatsoever and he still managed to leave me disappointed somehow..the movie he wanted to see the subjects he wanted to talk about, his way of talking, his shoes, his voice..everything was just not my cup of tea...except this guy seemed great on saturday when i was drunk trying to get over the obsession of Mr Workaholic.
Hahaha and now this weirdo just texted me..ugh...how come the ones you want the least always want you the most? How come nothing ever works out the ways it does in the movies? :(

On another note!

Time to study..but keep checking in my dear readers...I promise I will try to start updating this blog again! Feel free to leave comments...everyone can be anonymous...
Ttys!
xxx

I don't want no broken heart...

It's strange with the whole cyber world.Or the world as a whole really. .It's like sometimes writing stuff down for yourself doesn't help to clear out certain ideas or emotions. I have (as I have mentioned before) really mixed emotions about putting myself out there in a blog. I'm afraid of being judged and I'm afraid that I will feel like I share too much..but right now and earlier when I used to write I was so overwhelmed with emotions that its hard to keep it all bottled up. Even if I talk to friends, even if I write things down for myself I just want to scream everything out..there is something relieving about just posting a blog and putting it out there...as well as scary.

It's not very often I get caught up in someone to be honest. I don't get attached easily or fall in love..but the last few months have been very emotional for me....I know I need to move on from it and I will..I'm in the process of letting it go. I just think I will have to trust my instincts and break free before it really strikes me down.
However on another note..my horoscope today said: "Don't judge someone because of your past bad experiences"
I don't know..I might have become cynical and less trusting but I dont know..I jst don't want a broken heart.

Listen to this...this is how I have felt the se last few days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp9VROTLA7M
So pretty..I think a lot of people have felt this way..When you know you need to give someone up but you are reluctant...

"Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walked away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath without you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart"

Long time no see!

helloo everyone..
I'm back..I haven't really felt like blogging lately but I just got the urge today. So what's new? well I moved back to New York and its been fun and crazy but tumultous. There is something about this city that brings out all of my emotions in full force....I've been on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs for being so extremely happy and then have been days when I have cried like a baby wanting nothing to do with anything or anyone anymore...

It's been weird being back..it's like nothing I expected but still everything I expected. It's like being back home but nothing is the same...but everything remains the same in one way or the other. One thing is for sure...when it comes to my love life it's just as crazy as ever...

But today..this is how I feel:


good love is on the way..or it better be.