cozy to curl up in the couch with a cup of tea being (somewhat)
productive!
Happy Monday ;)
10/19/2009
Study day!
cozy to curl up in the couch with a cup of tea being (somewhat)
productive!
Happy Monday ;)
Just say Yes!
I'm supposed to have a study day today..trying hard to focus on my finance homework but can't stop listening to this amazing song by snow patrol..
My life has taken some strange turns over the last few weeks but I don't know how much I want to put out there...here.
I wish wish wish I wasn't so drawn to unavailability. It's as if yet again what nurtures me destroys me..my love life at the moment...My relationship with Mr W..I love it cant live without it but it is destroying me. Just like New York. Sometimes I feel that the innocense I lost to New York is forever lost...the city feeds my soul at the same time as it weakens it...it's a life I oly dreamed of but no one ever tells you the backside of it all. You can have it all but you will fall in traps along the way..I am desperately searching for that golden path to all I ever dreamed of..Oh well..suddenly I just got into a way deeper conversation than I had in mind..gah. I should be studying cash flow statements and liquidity ratios right now..
I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand
Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love
It's so simple and you know it is
You know it is,
We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives
You're the only way to me
The path is clear
What do I have to say to you
For Gods sake, dear
Just say yes, coz Im aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in
I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
Its all I want
9/30/2009
Concert state of mind
Went to see Fever Ray last night at Webster Hall. Awesome. Absolutely loved it, Love them. Wow wow wow. I go to way too few shows these days! I promised myself that when I moved back to Nw York I would take advantage of the city in more ways and see more plays and shows and stuff that you cant see anywhere else or dont have as easy of an access to in other places.
Aren't they amazing?
God..I love this city....New York I love you!
Change of heart
Amazing how things can change in a day or two..and how if you communicate clearly enough it sometimes makes a difference...
Giving it another shot with Mr W..time will tell how things will go between us I suppose...But I will give him a chance to do it right and if he cant I will move on. I hav to. I refuse to have anymore weeks of trying to make something work. It shouldnt have to be idfficult. It should flow! Shouldnt it?
9/28/2009
9/18/2009
Isnt this what we all want?
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
So important...
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
9/14/2009
good advice?
If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.
Nora Roberts
The beginning of a new week..
So it's fashion week...and my final exam week...and in the middle of it all I am having major love drama...and..on top of that i cut my head open and had to staple it back together in the er...great times....
Breaking my own heart...
"I'm afraid to love, afraid to love so fast, because every time I fall in love it never seems to last"
9/10/2009
Fashion week begins!
Going to one of my favorite bars in Gramercy Park Hotel tonight. To celebrate the beginning of fashion week!!!
9/08/2009
Blast from the past
Interesting Hamptons weekend..got a few proposals actually :) hahaha..obv. drunken ones!!! got back last night.
Most interesting though was running in to good old Mr Ambitious..if anyone remembers him we had a rollercoaster relationship right before I left for Cayman and I havent seen him in..like 1 year and 2 months or something like that. At first I freezed and panicked because I didnt know what to say but then I just relaxed and we both kind of looked at eachother at the same time so we had to kind of walk up and talk... so we talked for a bit. I was never in love with him, but I loved him somehow. He was a safe sweet good guy and in retrospect I know I was probaby the worst girl he could have found! I was allover the place, my emotions were running wild and i was obsessing about Mr Big..it was just one of the most chaotic times of my life and Mr Ambitious was a rock for the time being. Anyways, It was nice to run into him. Meeting him reminded me of a lot of things. Mostly about how much I actually like him as a person still....And it made me think a little bit about how far I have come this past year. It's a nice feeling to look back and know that you are in a much better place now..but at the same time it bothers me a little bit that he probably wont get to know the normal nicer less self centered less chaotic me because I genuinely would like to have him as a friend. But hey, it happens. 
(paris +ex :) )
Tired today..Mr Workaholic made an unexpected trip to my place late last night. Very out of character for him. But I definitely appreciated the nightly company even if he had to leave at 6am to wooooooork again... :(
9/05/2009
Last days of summer....
Packing for another weekend in the hamptons! Probably the last summer weekend!?! looks like the weather will be beautiful! Love it! This pic is from a few weeks ago in the haaamps...............
Mr W is stuck working as usual..but he said he might come out tomorrow for a day or two at least..going to meet him for brunch before I leave at least..seeing way too little of him when his work gets crazy..:( I dont call im Mr workaholic for nothing.. :)
9/04/2009
Oh what a night...
Ugh..another hungover day.
Totally bizarre night last night. went out with a good friend of mine and we decided to meet her friend. her friend came with two other friends in tow and for some reason the group was just such a big clash. None of us liked eachther..We thought they were boring and geeky and they thought we were pretentious and high maintenance (so they said at the end of the night) my friend got really annoyed and became being extremely rude which in turn turend everybody else to be rude to eachother and the whole night was a disatser. At the end of the night one of the guys turned around to her and said that the best part of the night was going to be leaving her behind and knowing he'd never have to see her again in his life! hardcore! :)
So weird!
9/03/2009
Cute song..
I feel like this is mysong..our song..taking it soo slow..and yes this song is exactly what it is:
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
The conversation got boring
You said you were going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I'd just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in with me
You put your arm around my shoulder
And it was good the room got colder
And we moved closer in together
And started talking about the weather
You said tomorrow would be fun
And we could watch a place in the sun
I didn't know where this was going
When you kissed me
Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine
Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone
No longer feel alone
I haven't left you for days now
And I'm becoming amazed how
You're quite affectionate in public
In fact your friend said it made her feel sick
And even though it's moving forward
There's just the right amount of awkward
And today you accidentally called me baby
Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine
Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone
Let's just stay
Let's just stay
I wanna lie in bed all day
We'll be laughing all the way
You told your friends they all know
We exist but we're taking it slow
Let's just see how it goes
Let's see how it goes
Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine
Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone
Let's just stay
Let's just stay
I wanna lie in bed all day
We'll be laughing all the way
You told your friends they all know
We exist but we're taking it slow
Let's just see how it goes
Let's see how it goes
8/30/2009
Snow Leopard
Mr W has ordered the new snow leopard which he is going to help me install on my macbook air!! cant waiiit to free up all that space!!! Wohooo! :) :)
But..only problem is...when will Mr W actually have time for little me now that he's so busy with his work... :(
Totally missing him...pathetic?!
Inglorius Basterds!
Oh. My. God. I loved that movie. Fucking insane but so good...really got me thinking about a few things philosophically afterwards about what war can make humans into and how we all maybe have that hidden darkness within us that can come out if we allow it to or if enough horrible things happen to us.
Are we all just produts of our society and upbringing?
I found myself cheering on as they were killing nazis and being all upset if a jew was killed. I mean..philosophically thinking its just a bit absurd how I can be cheering a anyone is killed?! And its sick how society/culutre/upbringing/politics/propaganda can kind of make us think and do and change our beliefs...I could go on about this and about how it really does make a big difference with the beliefs that are pushed upon us (I mean just looking at the extremely different propaganda they had in Cuba made me realize that we live with propaganda every day in the states too, were just so used to it that we dont think about it or notice it anymore).
Oh well. As I said. I could go on forever..but if youre thinking of seeing a movie soon go see inglorious basterds..it actually manages to be funny and captivating at the same time as it is philosophical and heartwrenching...but most of all its kind of sick and cruel..but in some twisted good way :)
Decide for yourself if you want to see it:
It's a beautiful
day in New York! Absolutely wonderful..I just came back form a long walk along east river! It was kind of crowded..what else can you expect? Sunday afternoon...fall is coming and you can finally actually enjoy being outside again..the humidity is gone and the temperature is still nice but you're not melting away..I love it..and I'm obviously not alone :)
Mr Workaholic (wish I could give him a new nickname but he really deserves this one) and I have been talking about going away soon..but he seems to be drowning in his work again...kind of boring..I was getting so used to all of his attention and spending so much time together when he suddenly just got all wrapped up in some big deal he is doing...so I am really hoping we can actually really get away soon and not just say that we are...time will tell...and I will tell ;)
ps. that is not me in that pic :) hahaha
8/29/2009
Broke but shopping..
I wonder why it is that when I am the most broke I always feel that I need to go shopping...and go out to dinner and drink expensive drinks, and go for brunch..and then do a little bit more shppoing.....and then randomly go splurge on something like a new iphone..? Oh well..I'm in that familiar phase right now.. I think I need to get myself together and work a bit soon..school isnt really taking up all that much time! What am I waiting for?
8/28/2009
New iphone!
Just ordered the new 3GS iphone..couldnt help it..I love the iphone have been stuck with a blackberry since my first iphone broke down and it just hasnt been the same :) So my new lil baby should be coming some time next week! Yippie!
Needy...?
Miley Cyrus “Obsessed” Lyrics
Why do I just lie awake and think of you?
I need some sleep.
Tomorrow I have things to do.
Everytime I close my eyes I see your face,
so I try to read, but all I do is lose my place.
Am I obsessed with you?
I do my best not to want you.
But I do all the time.
I do all the time.
I just had to call you up and say hello.
I know it’s 3 AM.
And I saw you awhile ago.
But I still had this aching pain to hear your voice
To know your there
I don’t seem to have any choice
Am I obsessed with you?
I do my best not to want you.
But I do all the time.
I do all the time.
I’m so sorry I just had to wake you up.
I feel so lonely by myself.
Is this the way it feels when you’re in love?
Or is this something else?
8/25/2009
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
The insomnia is back..it's killing me...I don't want to have to pop sleeping pills..but what am I supposed to do? I hate it when I can't sleep..I used to have the problem that i couldnt fall alseep..these last few months I have had a hard time falling asleep as well as STAYING asleep. Sucks!
8/24/2009
wise men say...
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
8/23/2009
Wine wine and mooore wine..and throw in some drinks!
Whoa, was supposed to have a quiet wine night with a friend last night. Ended up staying up until 8am...welcome to new york city....
needless to say: Hungover and tired today.......
8/21/2009
8/20/2009
Random post
Can't wait for the Mexican night with my girls tonight!
A little sad that baby is leaving and going to be gone all of today tomorrow and the weekend though!!! :(
Who ever thought I'd end up being THIS girl? Needy much?? hahah..NOOO.. I sure as hell am not! I mean..after an insanely crazy unconsciously drunken hamptons weekend without him I guess I can stand myself being all lovey dovey now! It's allowed right? It doesn't mean I'm one of THOSE girls! OK!? LOL..
Some pics from the weekend
"Morning"
Talked to mommy today. Hilarious! She's insanely excited about my life at the moment..gotta love it...but I seriosuly haven't told her a single thing about my lovelife for the last couple of years until now for this exact reason..she get's so over excited about it that I cant handle it...hahaha..Its just love I suppose. Love from all angles!!! :)
Having such a lazy day...think I'm going to go up and tan on my rooftop and catch those last rays of sun before the supposed thunderstorm is hitting manhattan!
8/19/2009
My happy face!
Got back from a fabulous weekend getaway to the Hamptons.. and I am back in the city with my lovely cute caring little boy.Hahah or I guess I should say my man.. My life feels absoluteley perfect at the moment and I am loving every minute of it! This song came to mind this morning!
Such a happy happy song!
I woke up this morning
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face
Woke up and realized
This world's not so bad after all
Looked at it through a child's eyes
And I saw these beautiful
Things that you never think about
Like the ocean, moonlight, stars and clouds
It's amazing how we don't
Appreciate our blessings
There's plenty of people who don't like me
But there's ten times more who love me
And I love myself
Sometimes, it gets tough, it gets tough
But I can't give up, can't give up
Just take a deep breath, close my eyes
Feel the love and give a smile
I woke up this morning
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face
It's me, and I just wanna be happy
Uh, just be happy, uh, just be happy
Today is the day, I am willing to say
I will put all the past behind me, no more enemies
Ready 'cause, I'm living in this world
I wanna make a change, I'm gonna make a change
Put on my happy face
I woke up this morning
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face
Everything's gonna be all right
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be all right
Everything's gonna be okay
I woke up this morning
With a happy face
I'm flying, I'm flying
Oh, I'm flying
8/10/2009
On repeat right now...
God david Guettas music is really growing on me...Listen to this..great beat!
8/05/2009
A quote that speaks to me...
Carrie: So maybe it won't look like you thought it would in high school, but it's important to remember that love is possible. Anything is possible. This is New York.
Summer lovin...
What a lovely time I have had lately...I feel so happy..I feel so alive and i feel so loved..and i adore it. Mr. Workaholic and I have finally come to a crossroad and it feels like we chose the same road and were walking it together..i just feel so cared for so appreciated so important...and its a good good feeling. I have spent the last week or two in a loved up existance..its so different..its seems so real and so comfortable and trustful...so far so good...but my mind is telling me not to get too excited just yet..something is bound to get fucked up..murphys law..im just waiting for something to bring me out of this blissful existence..waiting for myself to fuck it up as so many times before...but right now i am enjoying this feeling..dwelling in the joy of feeling that i have this lovely something with someone i like..
Mr Big contacted me yesterday..but i dont even care enough to write about that. or well..this is is how it is: .i honestly don't even know why i dragged him along for as long as i did..i guess out of boredom..im so done and over it and i will never go there again. I havent told him that he can delete my number..i havent told him how ridiculouslu little i care anymore..because it doesnt even matter enough for me to waste my time explaining anything to him..he wont get it..but he will notice..by my responses that im done im not there anymore... im not even angry or sad or anything..it is what it is..it was what it was.. but its not now and its not the future...
Mr. Big: Stay.
Carrie: I can't.
Mr. Big: Why not?
Carrie: Because, dear friend, you and I are like that red wall. It's a good idea in theory, but somehow it doesn't quite work.
7/26/2009
Recuperating in Sweden
I have been home in Sweden for about a week..or maybe a bit more and it's been lovely.
My sister got married yesterday and I held a nervewrecking speech for her..and them. It was a beautiful wedding...Oh Love...isn't it just amazing...
I'm flying back to New York on tuesday and I can't say I'm all that excited about it..I'm loving the silence and the fresh air of sweden..even Stockholm is just so clean and silent compared to New York..
I love love love New york but i'd really like to stay for another week here in Sweden..it's just so serene..
7/16/2009
Shouldn't have to be a reason for you to apologize..
So much for being on top. So much for thinking some people can change..so much for hoping...
I'm so sick and tired of people apoligizing to me..here's an extract of a song from Tayolr Swift that I feel kind of speak to me right now..SHE'S talking about infidelity.I'M talking about people who continuosuly break you down, continue to hurt you and you keep giving them chances and I have had enough. Mr Big:
I shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
And baby you know all the right things: to say
But do you honestly expect me to believe
We could ever be the same...
You say that the past is the past, you need one chance
Or even more fitting from Taylor Swift:
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry,
And Mr Workaholic has gotten so much better at everything..just a few little kinks I'd like to straighten out there..but that can wait..as long as we are making progress which we are. I guess maybe I needed to just know that Mr Big is never worth ruining my good relationships for..THat's the second time I have had him in the middle of it all same thing with Mr Ambitious..I had to have that little pice of excitement..that little asshole on the side that kept me on the edge..
Well times are diffeent now. This ws the last time and I don't even like Mr Big the way I used to..this was more about just getting back up on top of him and I failed it again I guess..or I dont know..he just proved to me that he is the same that he always has been and I wont take it anymore. there are no more chances to be given out.Its just not worth it on any level.
7/13/2009
If youre going to see a doctor...I have a warning for you!
I have been putting off going to the doctor for a few days because its always a bit of a hassle to go and it's annoying with all the paperwork etc..but after my foot sterted hurting like hell I had no choice anymore and boooy did I choose the wrong doctor to FINALLY go to!?!? My doctor made me feel soo unfomfortable and insulted and awkward and annyed as well as annoying for coming in..If anyone ever thinks of going to DR Qiu on 141 E 55th St in New York all I can say is: DON'T..she's super rude unattentive uninterested and makes you feel like shit for stepping into her office.
There you go....just saved your day....in case you googled her :)
7/11/2009
...
I’ve Been Roaming Around....Always Looking Down At All I See.
Painting Faces, Building Places I Can’t Reach.
You Know That I Could Use Somebody. You Know That I Could Use Somebody.
Someone Like You....Someone like you and all you know and how you speak......
7/10/2009
Back again!
Finally back! Blogger has been shutting me out of my blog again...it has kept logging me in as som other user on my own computer..well well..long story short: I'm back..and hopefully that was just some temporary glitch!
Hope everyone is enjoying the summer..I sure am!!! I am so happy lately...everything just seems to be falling into place..Life is such a journey..and this is a high..but I also know that a low will come eventually..so I am going to just enjoy this amazing time of my life.. I am happy, I feel free, I feel good about myself and the people in my life..I feel great...Life is grand.
Amazeballs as Perez Hilton would have said..or my favourite..AMAZEBALLSACK..it got stuck in my head a few days ago and yeah If youve been reading this blog before you know Im an obsessive person...AMAZEBALLSACK!
7/01/2009
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Lovely Is The Feelin' Now
Fever, Temperatures Risin' Now
Power Is The Force The Vow
That Makes It Happen It Asks No Questions Why
So Get Closer
To My Body Now Just Love Me
'Til You Don't Know How
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Touch Me And I Feel On Fire
Ain't Nothin' Like A Love Desire
I'm Melting
Like Hot Candle Wax Sensation
Lovely Where We're At
So Let Love Take Us Through The Hours
I Won't Be Complanin'
'Cause This Is Love Power
Enough with the Michael Jackson Mania right??? hahahah I cant stop!!
Moon Walk!
Wow I really really regret never going to see a Michael Jackson concert...not just for the phenomenal music but also for the incredible dancing genius he was...check him out:
al
Playing the players...
I have had a few rewarding days..
had a great date with Mr Workaholic last night..so I'm positive about that. We'll see what's going to happen there..I'm not going to hold my breath again. I feel in control though.Finally. At least for now.
Even more rewarding is that I have finally got a little bit of revenge on last summers obsession: Mr Big. We have been in touch a bit lately (just for fun of course I know where I stand this time) and its been amazing to finally be the one who's on top of the game..the one deciding whats going on. I totally played him these last few days and I know it might not have been the nicest thing but it felt so fucking nice to just be able to be like "fuck you right back"..for everything that you have done and the positions you put me in suddenly the game has changed and you want me more than i want you. I'm n charge. He got so angry and confused..guess the player doesnt like to be played..hahahah...sorry but he totally deserves it..and I even called him out on it. he cant expect respect if he doesn't give it...he's just so fun though. there's something so strangely exciting about being in touch with him..he just has a way of entertaining me through his texts and he really keeps a conversation going unlike mr Workaholic. However, this time around I know exactly what to expect and I am not buying his words or excuses or games. It's on my terms.
Summer is here!
For anyone who hasnt been readint his blog before this is how I used to feel once upon a time:
http://city-starling.blogspot.com/2008/06/open-letter-for-my-own-mr-big.html
6/27/2009
What nurtures me destroys me
Never ever has this quote meant as much to me..in the light of what happened to Michael Jackson this famous wide spread quote took on a new meaning to me and once I finally could start to understand it and actually really really get it..it meant so much to me as a person as well.
What I love is essentially what is destroying me. But it keeps me alive...I couldnt live without certain things..but it's also destroying my very being at the same time.
No I'm absolutely not talking about drugs..I am talking about relationships, cities, people..things that you cant live without even though you know deep inside that it's no good for you...but wwithout it your life would be empty..
So Angelina..I finally get your tattoo an for a split second I almost wanted one for myself...but naaah tattoos arent for me.
I tried to explain my thoughts to a friend tonight..and more often than not I find myself a bit too deep for most of my firends..love them to death but my deepest thoughts bore most people to death. Its okay...I'll just write it here ;)
Quod me nutrit, me destruit.
6/26/2009
MJ Quotes...
“And my goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance.”
“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”
- Michael Jackson
Good morning!
Another rainy day in the big apple..I cannot believe the weather..It's seriously been raining almost everday for about a month!
I can't stop watching the tributes to Michael Jackson..All night last night and all morning I have been absorbing myself in his extreme life..I can't believe he's dead but in retrospect its as if we should have known..so much pressure with legal battles, debt, haters, health and mental problems.. but still there was sooo much love for him. I think he might have been one of the most loved artists of our time...yet he was so troubled, so sweet and somehow so misunderstood...his fame destroyed him but also built him up.
I think that "what nurtures me destroys me" is so correct when it comes to his life...he fed upon the love from his fans, the fame the attention the money the god like status he achieved..but it all also destroyed him..all the love in the world couldnt erase the mean words, he felt pressure to undergo so many procedures to look different, and still he was constantly ridiculed..I saw an interview with him where he was talking about his life being like a prison because he couldnt do anything and I bet that must have been aweful..but then again he knew nothing else..and at the end of the day he wanted that fame..just lookign at the way he behaved around the cameras..oh crazy crazy...whatever some people say, his life was lived in an extremely extraordinary way and there is no one like him and I doubt we'll ever see someone like him again...
6/25/2009
R.I.P Michael Jackson....
I cant believe that Michael jackson died today..he was a true legend and one of a kind..I'm so taken by the news that I have stayed home o watch the tribute tv specials tonight...
I think he was a highly misunderstood man under a ton of pressure and stress we probably cant even imagine...He grew up a a star... was always followed worshipped and also criticized greatly..I cant imagine it being easy to live like he had to live his life and having people trying to take advantage of you constantly..I just hope that the media will respect his wish to keep his children away from the media completely. He went to such great measure to keep them away from the paparazzi and give them a real childhood.
Rest in peace Michael..You were a musical genius and the world will always remember you as the king of pop with a heart of gold...
Today is whatever I want it to mean!
I just love mornings like this! I woke up and I'm extremeley hungover and tired but for some reason I'm really happy and energic! I love my life I love my friends..I love New York! I know I'm schizo But that's how I feel this morning!
OOOh and I'm freeeeee from school for a week! It's lovely!
This is one of my all time favourite happy songs!
6/23/2009
Is this true?
I tend to want what I don't think I can have. ALWAYS. This is my problem and I just got the biggest urge to research it. Some wise person had this theory:
That which you cannot control, controls you. The human mind seeks power and control. If you don't have the power or control over an object the mind relates to that object/person as a superior being, putting this person/object onto a pedestal. Lust therefore comes as a result of this pedestal system which your mind has created. However all minds work alike, it is natural survival instinct
Putting myself out there...
I have a date with a new guy this week. Let's hope it's better than the guy who took me to see Terminator last week..hahaah..(and let's hope this one can make me forget aaaallll about Mr Workaholic...)
A new philosophy maybe ;)
A girl I know updated her facebook status today saying:
Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past... stop planning the future... stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel... stop deciding with our minds, what we want our hearts to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with - Whatever happens, happens!
I think that needs to be my new motto..
Finals..
Have to study have to study have to study..I hate accounting..But it needs to be done!!! :(
Ex files
Only one person has made me feel this way. And he will never even be mentioned on this blog.Why? he's too important. I don't know. He's not part of my life anymore? I don't know. he doesn't belong here? Its been years and years bt he's the only one still...were very different now and he doesnt matter but he'll always have a significant part of my nostalgic heart.
"If I had my way..I'd never get over you..." :) I remember that summer..Oh my god...Well! I'm writing this with a smile. It's just a memory now.
"And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me til my dying day..."
6/22/2009
Nostalgia
Isn't it strange how a sound or a song or a scent can bring you back years? I just turned my old broken iphone on (to try to synch my notes) and it made that old familiar text message sound somehow and I just froze. It took me back to almost exactly a year back when I used to get sooo excited by that sound. It took me back to the butterflies and the excitement of texting with Mr. Big. Wow..It's strange isn't it? I don't know...memories just crashed onto me and I was amazed by how powerful a sound could be. I suddenly remembered everything crystal clear for a second. if only he knew what an impression he left on me..I still cant quite explain it.
Had a final exam in business law today..i think it went well..Only accounting left now..I'm not too excited about that one...but once that one is done I'm free! At least for like 10 days :)
Sunday funday
I had a wonderful sunday catching up with an old friend who came into town after 2 years absense. Brunch at Blue Ribbon and just talking about good old times..It's amazing how many people come and go in New York..It's a little bit sad to think of all the amazing people you used have in your circle of friends..so so so many have left and moved on to new countires and cities and destinies...but that's part of life isn't it?
(a picture from times looong gone now)
I also met up with my good old bestie in the city and her boyfriend..hahah it's weird how much time I spend with the two of them..but they're a cool couple- Not one of those boring ones who like to stay in and just be with eachother..they're just fun and outgoing and I never feel like the third wheel or feel like her boyfriend should leave. Just a cool combination of people I guess. :) We walked around downtown and talked about midsummer memories (whoaaaa was I drunk!) and I made a point to try to make him explain mr workaholics behaviours..at this point its all just theories..i guess im actually going to have to ask him myself where we stand next time i see him...I don't even know how much I care anymore..at this point its become more about ego. then we decided to go for dinner at a malaysian place called Fat Crab..it was really good!
6/20/2009
Sick and tired
A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there come a day
I'd set you free
'Cause I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired
Fuck you very much!
I hate the hangover days. Today has been aboslutely horrible...alcohol always makes everything feel much worse than it is the day after. Ugh!
Sometimes I really wonder if I made the right decision in coming back? I love New York but its also such a straining city in so many ways and there is a certain mentality that you cant get away from thats no good here. the elitism the hierarchies the cynical bitternss that everybody kind of drags along with them..hate that shit..but im so wrapped up and dragged in to it still.
I need to find myself a new boy to date. Or preferably 5 new ones to keep me busy! I am sooo over Mr Workaholic today..all he does lately is disappoint me...I have no more patience for him and his social incapabilities. He is either a big liar or a seeeerious workaholic..or...he's just not that into me. It's really awful to like someone and not feel that its reciprocated. It's not often that I am put in this situation and frankly I'm not sure how to deal with his constant excuses and shortcomings. i guess I should walk away but its so hard. I don't know why I keep hoping things will change. I wish I wouldn't care! how do you get someone out of your head? If I knew I wouldn't have to blog about all of my frustrations :)
6/18/2009
Weeeeh!
I'm on top of the world today. And I feel that I deserve it. It's JUNE and its been rainy and cold for about a month in New York..but hey..what doesnt kill you makes you stronger..haha..good thing I got my sun fix from my months on Cayman :)
I have no particular reason for feeling this way today.. I guess I just feel more in control than before and thats a pretty good feeling. More in control of my feelings, more in control of what is going on around me. I feel more in control of Mr Workaholic because I feel that I left a bit of hope behind yesterday..and frankly it's so nice sometimes to just let go all expectations and hopes and just live in the moment. It is what it is. I think girls (or at least the girls I know) in general do that a lot more often than guys..we start making up stories in our heads, we make up futures and make boys we hardly even know (sometimes) into something they are not...and that's got to stop for my part. Another very small victory I guess is that after about 6 months Mr Ambitious might have let go of a little bit of anger surrounding me...I don't know..it's just a feeling form a very very small gesture and I just felt that it felt good...he was nothing but good to me and honestly I didnt't deserve him at the time..I wasn't very nice to him at all..in all seriousness we werent meant for eachother at all and that happens obviously..you start seeing someone that youre nothing like..but you learn form your mistakes.. But that's a whole different story.
Anywhoo...I feel good and I can't wait for tomorrow! Midsummer!!!
Waiting...
Whoaaa I'm so hungry..Its 11.30 and I still havent had breakfast... but I dont want to leave my apartment in case the messenger comes and I miss my present!!! the curse of living in a "non - door man building" :)
Mmmmm....I want cake...swedish muddy chocolate cake...but that I don't have..In fact my refrigerator is abolutely empty...
Hmm...Tea. Yes tea will have to do!
Slowly ain't my kind of game...
Pick up the pace and step on it, rip up the place if you want it.
Work, work you know you gotta work, work.
I got the goods and i want you, put your boots on baby get to:Work,
work, you know you gotta work, work.
I tend to get what i want, are you starting to see, to see.
I think you do, i think you do.
It's time for you to step up if you want to be with me, with me.
I think you do, i think you do.
But don't go slow, that is not the way we play, slowly aint my kinda game.
Ready, set, go!
For you girls...
Empowering song for the ladies...
'Cus I'm ready for the big jump,
Keep up with me,
If you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow,
I only go up, up.
I'm ready to be in control and the ground isn't good enough for me,
I know where to find what I want and I'm gonna keep on,
Keep on, up, up
No turns now,
We're going straight,
You better hold on tight,
'Cus if you fall you're on your own,
'Cus I'm gonna go on,
No, no, no turns now.
Actions speak louder than words...
I had enough last night and it strangely freeing to just feel okay with it. I'm detaching myself now. Some things have gotten easier wth him but all in all I just dont think that there's enough of an effort there...on the other hand I'm getting a little gift from him today..thats nice..but it's not enough....i just think that actions speak louder than words.
But I'm at home waiting for it now..getting kind of bored..but at least i'm feeling fine..compared to a few days ago...
Tomorrow is swedish midsummer..!!! Should be fun!
6/17/2009
Insomnia
I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night I had so many thoughts in my head that I decided that I just couldn't study so i thought the best thing would be to just go to bed and get up really early to study for my exam instead...guess what ended up happening? I never fell alseep and just lied there in bed for like 6 hours with all these annoying thoughts in my head until my alarm rang. strange.. I don't remember the last time that happened. I just never went to sleep and now I will have to deal with that today... I think I will have to try to go home after school today and just sleep for a bit.
But if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God passed a mic to me to speak
I'd say stay in bed, world
Sleep in peace
6/16/2009
The ones you want the least always want you the most...
In a desperate attempt to get over mr workaholic I went on a date last sunday and it was a disaster...i mean I had no expectations whatsoever and he still managed to leave me disappointed somehow..the movie he wanted to see the subjects he wanted to talk about, his way of talking, his shoes, his voice..everything was just not my cup of tea...except this guy seemed great on saturday when i was drunk trying to get over the obsession of Mr Workaholic.
Hahaha and now this weirdo just texted me..ugh...how come the ones you want the least always want you the most? How come nothing ever works out the ways it does in the movies? :(
On another note!
Time to study..but keep checking in my dear readers...I promise I will try to start updating this blog again! Feel free to leave comments...everyone can be anonymous...
Ttys!
xxx
I don't want no broken heart...
It's strange with the whole cyber world.Or the world as a whole really. .It's like sometimes writing stuff down for yourself doesn't help to clear out certain ideas or emotions. I have (as I have mentioned before) really mixed emotions about putting myself out there in a blog. I'm afraid of being judged and I'm afraid that I will feel like I share too much..but right now and earlier when I used to write I was so overwhelmed with emotions that its hard to keep it all bottled up. Even if I talk to friends, even if I write things down for myself I just want to scream everything out..there is something relieving about just posting a blog and putting it out there...as well as scary.
It's not very often I get caught up in someone to be honest. I don't get attached easily or fall in love..but the last few months have been very emotional for me....I know I need to move on from it and I will..I'm in the process of letting it go. I just think I will have to trust my instincts and break free before it really strikes me down.
However on another note..my horoscope today said: "Don't judge someone because of your past bad experiences"
I don't know..I might have become cynical and less trusting but I dont know..I jst don't want a broken heart.
Listen to this...this is how I have felt the se last few days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp9VROTLA7M
So pretty..I think a lot of people have felt this way..When you know you need to give someone up but you are reluctant...
"Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walked away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath without you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart"
6/15/2009
Long time no see!
helloo everyone..
I'm back..I haven't really felt like blogging lately but I just got the urge today. So what's new? well I moved back to New York and its been fun and crazy but tumultous. There is something about this city that brings out all of my emotions in full force....I've been on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs for being so extremely happy and then have been days when I have cried like a baby wanting nothing to do with anything or anyone anymore...
It's been weird being back..it's like nothing I expected but still everything I expected. It's like being back home but nothing is the same...but everything remains the same in one way or the other. One thing is for sure...when it comes to my love life it's just as crazy as ever...
But today..this is how I feel:
good love is on the way..or it better be.
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